Father Figure

So much have changed since my father passed, time went by so fast that I can't believe that it will be his 1st death anniversary on Wednesday. My father has been a major influence on who I am right now, things that I have "inherited" from him was his frame, his humor and his ability to mingle with all types of social classes. But I also got from him his temperament which I can say greatly describes who people superficially perceive me to be.

Looking back on all the things that happened back then, I can say that I have been very important to him. I am the only one he listens to when he was feeling irrational, even though it will first take a big fight for him which turns out that I would not talk to him for days to grab a hold of the real situation. He was extremely sick for ~6 years before he passed and everyday was just hell for other people for him when he gets tantrums and 3 caregivers have been fired, househelp tried to leave countless times, my mother and I having breakdowns. A majority of the reason that I lived separately with them was because of this. Which fostered my my determination to be more independent in other ways rather than financially.

History repeats itself and one thing that I fear is someday I would be sick and depend on other people to care for me. I hope that I have already learned from this, knowing particular people who little by little getting a hold of their psychotic attitudes of their parents. This made me fear the future alot more since I know I must be more responsible in facing what lies ahead not depending on others so much.

What I would like to be able to get from my father is the ability to love his children so much that he would sacrifice a whole lot to see me smile and be happy with who I am as a person. I can say that about a year before he passed he was really trying to connect with me more and I sometimes missed those chances because of wasting my free time to unnecessary stuff. If I was asked, "Would you chance anything that has happened to you in your life, and if yes what is it?" I would honestly answer: I would have loved my father more. *sob.

Dance With My Father
Back when I was a child,
before life removed all the innocence
My father would lift me high and dance
with my mother and me and then
Spin me around 'til I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And I knew for sure I was loved

If I could get another chance,
another walk, another dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end
How I'd love, love, love
To dance with my father again

When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way, I would run from her to him
He'd make me laugh just to comfort me
Then finally make me do just
what my mama said
Later that night when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he would
be gone from me

If I could steal one final glance,
One final step,one final dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end
'Cause I'd love, love, love
To dance with my father again

Sometimes I'd listen outside her door
And I'd hear how my mother cried for him
I pray for her even more than me
I pray for her even more than me
I know I'm praying for much too much
But could you send back the only
man she loved

I know you don't do it usually
But dear Lord she's dying
To dance with my father again
Every night I fall asleep and
this is all I ever dream

Rafael Francisco Naval
October 23, 1946 - February 27, 2007